Maybe This Time
by VeritaParlata
Summary: Late at night, Alexis reflects on a lost love. [Sequel to Maybe Next Time]


  
  


_How did I do it? _A woman asks herself as she stands alone in her living room. _How did I let him walk out of my life? Why did I let him go? I loved him, wanted him with me, and I told him to go. He meant everything to me. Gave me everything I ever wanted, companionship, honesty, in his own demented version. _She smiles at her thoughts as she walks to the mantle. Staring at the picture adorning it. _And the best gift of all. _She thinks with a smile as she runs her finger across the picture of her daughter.

  


_Why'd you go, Sonny? _She asks._ Because I told you to, is why. _She concluded. She sighs heavily as she leaves the mantle and begins to pace in her living room again. _Didn't you know that I wanted you to stay? Couldn't you see it in my eyes? Hear it in my voice? Of course not. I'm a Cassadine Ice Princess. I can hide my emotions better than anyone. But still, you should have known that. You should have seen through it, like you did so many times before. But I guess your quilt about Carly clouded your judgment._

  


She shakes her head at the thought of Carly. Feeling the intense anger and resentment rise to the surface. _No, this is not about Carly. I refuse to take that road again. _She berates herself. _This is about us, about me and you, Sonny. Carly should have never been an issue with us. She never was before, when we were friends. _

  


_But I guess that's it. We became more than friends. And for one reason or another, I got scared. _Alexis sighs at the admission she's held onto for so long._ I was afraid, Sonny._ _Of my feelings for you, of us, of what we could have been together. Never of your lifestyle. While I do agree with it, I'm not afraid of it. I've been in imminent danger all my life. Helena is my step-mother after all. But I was more afraid of not being in control of my feelings. You know I hate to not be in control. And if we'd have been together...I'd have lost myself...._

  


Tears escapes her eyes at the thoughts of all that could have happened if she had told Sonny to stay. _I'd have had...become ....so much more with you. But I let my fear stop me, and push you away. Back to Carly._

  


Alexis sighs heavily as she stops pacing in her living room and start slowly down the hall towards her daughter's room. Her eyes light up at the sight of the peacefully sleeping baby. _Look what I created with you, Sonny. She's so beautiful. _Alexis thinks with a smile as she watches her baby lovingly. _I wish you could see her. Hold her, know that she is yours. But, you can't. And that's my fault. I lied to you, to everyone. Especially myself._

  


She kisses Kristina's forehead and walks out of the nursery, not wanting the baby to feel her anguish. Walking back into her bedroom, she stops at the foot of the bed, and stares at the body in it. Cameron Lewis, had been everything to her in the past few months, that Sonny had been in the past few years. A confidant, a friend, someone to just....be with. But he wasn't Sonny. No one was.

  


She walked past the bed out onto the balcony outside. A cold gust of wind blew harshly and stung her warm skin. "I'm so sorry, Sonny." she whispers. _I lied to you about everything. Kristina is your daughter. And, even though I'll never admit it out loud, she was conceived in a great act of love. I_ _know you loved me, just as I loved you. And if I hadn't been afraid, we'd still be together. But I was a coward, and pushed back to a woman that I know is not good enough for you. _

  


More tears escape as she releases the feelings she's felt for so long. _I know you think I hate you. I don't. I wish I could. Truth is, I'm more to blame for all of this than you are. If I had....just...said 'Sonny, stay with me. I love you.' None of this would have happened. If I had just be up front and honest from the beginning, my sister would still be alive, Kristina would have her father, I wouldn't have had to fight so hard to get her back, and you....you would still be in my life. I want you in my life, Sonny. Even if you do hate me now. At least I know you feel something, have some thought about me._

  


_But you probably don't. Carly and your unborn baby probably consume all your thoughts. But you, are always in mine. Just like you're in my heart. I love you, Sonny. And I want the best for you, somebody to love you...the way I do. Even if it is Carly. I just... _"wish is it were me." she says aloud, as she stares over Port Charles.

  


Alexis glances towards the Harborview Towers. More specifically, Sonny's penthouse. She can see his balcony from where she stands in her apartment. She sighs and looks back to Cameron still sleeping. "I miss you, Sonny." she says aloud. _You're always in my heart and mind. Just as my lies and deceptions are. I have to go through my life knowing that I lied to you and deprived my heart and life of the best thing that ever happened to me. But...I still hold hope, Sonny. Because you are always with me, and I see you always. Through our little girl's eyes. But you've moved on, and now so have I. With Cameron... So maybe this time I can get it right. _"Maybe this time...."


End file.
